Untitled

Stutters back to life. for a while

2006-04-01T22:01:00.000+08:00

oh gosh i just realised it's april fools. but i'm not in the mood.

hmm... shall i revive this blog? that'd make it my 3rd active one. hmmmmm.

*blinks'

2005-12-05T09:59:00.000+08:00

did quite a bit of stuff yesterday. my dad left for toronto to pick up my grandma and my aunt and cousin flew in from LA so we went out for lunch then had nice filling lots-of-stuff at Bakerzin. although i thought the warm chocolate cake would have been better. but well, let's not be a spoilt brat.

following that, i went over to pick up my contacts. i'm on soft lens now. i have no idea where i dumped my old hard lens. but i think i like my spectacle-less look lol. my eyes look bigger =P then i met song and i was like walking around orchard with my light blue shades on xP looked like a playboy or pimp or whatever apparently hahaha. we watched aeon flux. which i guess thematically speaking explains rather interesting (and yet cliche) issues but well, execution cinematography-wise wasn't all too fantastic. [okay bad attempt trying to sound professional]

after that, song and i "happened" to meet psk and clarice at PS haha. song had to go home for dinner but i stayed and had half a burger? and a drink? yeah. not really what you'd call dinner. just spent some time catching up with soon kai and clarice. which was kinda fun. or at least better than most of my hols.

as you may have already guessed, i'm dying of boredom at work yet again. pple are either overseas, sleeping, or working. so hrm. 5th today. can't believe one year passed so quickly. this time last year, i was watching incredibles. life-changing experience. seriously. lol.

i'm hungry. and i only have 1 packet of hello panda here. hmph.

简简单单

2005-12-02T10:09:00.000+08:00

我摊开双手
你予取予求
直到你想自由

痛苦的时候
我不会闪躲
就像树叶甘心为春风坠落

只是

简简单单的爱过
我还是我

简简单单的伤过
就不算白活

简简单单的疯过
被梦带走

当故事结束之后
心也喜欢一个人寂寞

bah

2005-12-01T10:14:00.000+08:00

i'm back at work. i'm tired. and my eyes are sore. i think i've been frowning for the past 14 hours or so. and i don't really care if you peeps say i'm getting whiney again. coz this is how i really feel.

i didn't get a good night's sleep. and that was really coz i was in a bad mood. i was disgusted. perhaps with others. perhaps with myself.

i got home at bout 935 then did some heavy reading till almost 1. i dunno. when i feel emotionally unstable i just immerse myself in work and information. perhaps that's the problem. i've been using too much of my head and too little of my heart.

i see the lies and hypocrisy around me and i can't bring myself to trust anyone. i don't even trust myself. maybe coz i cheat myself too much. denial you could say. i know i'm a hypocrite to a certain degree. but ah well.

solitude. i love it. i hate it. i could do with a thousand years of it but i doubt i could bear with more than a day alone without some form of an outlet.

my eyes are sore. the tears refuse to come out. too much intraocular pressure. glaucoma here i come.

ladida

2005-11-23T12:03:00.000+08:00

zzzz boring boring sianzz

and hungry for that matter.

yay pple are starting to play KoL again! lol.

ulcers are killing me.

i need to dye my hair. and soon. lol.

okay yay! a childish immature post! yippee.

2005-11-21T14:22:00.000+08:00

i'm sitting at work and i'm completely exhausted. as usual, there's nothing interesting going on here. and to make matters worse today, royston isn't here, and no one seems to be online.

and. i forgot to bring my new book to read. never let me go by kazuo ishiguro. shortlisted for the man booker prize this year.

ahhh.. i still haven't watched goblet of fire. -yawn-

i'm confused! yippee! don't i just love being confused? goodness.

i dunno what i need, what i want. aiya what a waste of time. completely pointless rant there. i hope you had fun reading it.

back to "work" -sniggers-

The Importance of Being Ernest

2005-11-11T12:13:00.000+08:00

(the above title was adapted from the original by Oscar Wilde. It is not a spelling error)

I stared at the plane ticket to Key West and took the cigar out of my mouth. "All I gotta do is go to this address and pick up some papers?"

The lawyer a stack of hundreds across the desk. "A manuscript. It's very important to my client."

I sifted through the bills. There had to be five thousand dollars. Clients as flush as this one don't usually go slumping on Mariposa Street to find a PI. It made me suspicious. "I'd like more details before I stick my neck out."

to be continued....

the why and wherefore i'm alive

2005-10-15T11:16:00.000+08:00

i'm back. but i think that's enough of pretty women on my blog for now. sorry justin xP

i was in a brilliant mood just a few hours ago despite the aches from a whole day's training yesterday. that is until i read some stuff that has left me melancholic and feeling like i've been letting people down.

speaking of which, i've really let myself down for the exams that have just passed. i didn't put in enough effort and with that cause, i kinda know the imminent effect. disappointing end to secondary school life really. this whole year has been a real letdown to be honest. moments of temporal joy, but nothing achieved, nothing improved upon. i consider it a failure.

i enjoy solitude. yet something inside me is just constantly screaming out for attention. i find it sick really. and i dunno how i can change that.

the world is but a stage
where every man must play a part
and mine a sad one.

hrm

2005-08-29T22:19:00.000+08:00

mena suvari looks like an adult emma watson! soooo hot! and naughty looking! =P
that ought to satisfy all you emma lovers on my taggie? yep.

ah bad poetry for hw.

Seize the Day

The winds of time flutter by
But they fail miserably to obliterate
Those footprints in the sand

Each grain
Trickling down the edge of the hourglass
And we flip it over
Replay

Why wallow in that pool of self pity?
Stop reviewing those ripples of regret.

Why wish for the cease of days?
Eject that sorry film reel and seize the day!

rachel mcadams <3

2005-08-25T22:04:00.000+08:00

perhaps its time to look around and appreciate everything else.

on another note, rachel mcadams is soooo chio XD

its the eyes. and the smile. and the smooth white skin. strangely reminds me of some like really ex-crush. i can't even remember who but who cares lol.

<3

you're extraordinary

2005-08-22T19:55:00.000+08:00

you're a difference maker.
I thank God for you.

=)

2005-08-20T21:41:00.000+08:00

i'm happy =D

yay! XD

awkward silence

2005-08-18T22:35:00.000+08:00

the flu is going around. i hate runny noses. add the sinus and i always end up with sore throat. which sucks really. spam lozenges.

and of course, after cheering today.. ah well. by God's grace, we pulled through and now we have a holiday to look forward to lol.

after so long, nothing's changed. i dunno if it's the same for you. wondering what you're thinking. what you're feeling.

can't find the courage to say it.

from the outside looking in

2005-08-17T20:20:00.000+08:00

it scares me.
i don't even want to contemplate it.
the fact that there is even a possibility that it's true.. terrifies me.

the subconcious is a dangerous thing.
i just hope i'm not everything i resent.

i dread the thought.

save me from this place

something to hold on to

2005-08-14T18:47:00.000+08:00

tried so hard to be someone
that you forgot who you are

tried to fill some emptiness
till all you had spilled over

now everything's so far away
that you don't know where you are

blind. before its too late

2005-08-13T23:08:00.000+08:00

i was rather curt with someone this morning. somehow, even now, i still feel terrible about it. if you ever read this, i'm sorry. i just can't sort out my thoughts and words.

I was young but I wasn't naive
I watched helpless as she turned around to leave
And still I have the pain I have to carry
A past so deep that even you could not bury if you tried

I would fall asleep
Only in hopes of dreaming
That everything would be like it was before
But nights like this it seems are slowly fleeting
They disappear as reality is crashing to the floor

After all this time
I never thought we'd be here
My love for you was blind
But I couldn't make you see it
I loved you more than you'll ever know
A part of me died when I let you go

better man. hopefully

2005-08-11T18:06:00.000+08:00

i think

it's time to become a better person.

time to move away from all this negativity. to look forward and leave the past where it is - behind.

and i reasoned, that even if my own life is unbearable, tough. it doesn't mean that i can't be a nice person. someone who cares about others.
actually, just to distract myself from the inner turmoil, i guess i ought to channel the hurt to better purposes. perhaps to make sure that pple out there aren't experiencing the same kind of pain in greater or lesser degree.

its time for change.

make a difference

2005-08-10T21:49:00.000+08:00

i hunger for something. i don't even know what.

i sit there and yearn. i scroll through everything and anything. memories or webpages. worksheets or journals.

its time to stand up and be counted. sitting there isn't getting me anywhere. its time to start making a difference.

a big L for you.

2005-08-09T17:49:00.000+08:00

once upon a time, i prided myself on being a winner.

this year, i feel like the ultimate loser.

halo

2005-08-07T23:03:00.000+08:00

take a look at the ordinary
don't have to look for paradise
you could be next to an angel in disguise

home

2005-08-04T21:35:00.000+08:00

Whenever I am feeling low
I look around me and I know
There's a place that will stay within me
Wherever I may choose to go

...

This is home truly, where I know I must be
Where my dreams wait for me, where that river always flows
This is home surely, as my senses tell me
This is where I won't be alone, for this is where I know it's home

it's all a terrible lie. how can you call a place home if you are terrified to return to it everyday. is home a place where you don't utter a single word? is it where you're supposed to feel the lowest? the worst?

i'm scared.

fire and ice

2005-07-31T22:15:00.000+08:00

am i who you want me to be?

i'm gonna be 16 next week. and really, that outburst of yours.. i can't get that scream of fustration out of my head. the tears. i understand where you're coming from. your viewpoint.

but i'm of age next week. i can't just keep going on living a lie. cheating myself day in day out. i've tried my best these years to be who you want me to be. to do what you want me to do. but i haven't really got real satisfaction from it all.

its disfuctional really.

i hear your screams and your tears. i cried for an hour before i fell asleep. but this really says it best. the next morning when i woke up, for an instant, i had no recollection of the events of the night before.

its ice cold in here. no more fire.

scared

2005-07-28T20:26:00.000+08:00

i'm just really really afraid. i guess life is always fair. successes never come without setbacks. but honestly, right now, i'd trade everything i've won, everything i have, just for some peace of mind, some quietness. some love under this roof.

!nk

2005-07-27T22:16:00.000+08:00

our proposed name for the new school newspaper is !nk. pretty funky eh.

but honestly school st!nks.

pitter patter

2005-07-25T21:49:00.000+08:00

it rained non stop the whole afternoon. my work production chain doesn't seem to be moving. terrible accident in the chem lab today. scary really. but i shan't elaborate. just hope everyone will be more careful in future.

big rip

2005-07-22T19:27:00.000+08:00

i have no appetite. didn't finish my dinner. i've cried my eyes dry.

i wish someone would just shred me apart like some cosmic accident.

you know who you are

2005-07-22T18:38:00.000+08:00

you know, i've really had enough of you. you say i treat you like shit. and do you know why? i really don't want to treat anyone like that, but i'm just trying to get you to like not be such a pain. i don't need someone following me around all the time. i don't need someone poking into my life like you're some concerned kid. give me a break.

oh and thanks so much for spoiling my day.

rainbow

2005-07-21T16:51:00.000+08:00

today, is racial harmony day.

haha. i updated. so shh you.

moody

2005-07-18T21:52:00.000+08:00

no. this isn't some whine again. i'm not feeling moody. i've just got a mad eye. my stoopid right eye has contrived to kill me over the past few hours. i dunno what got into it or what happened in there. bloody sore. literally, red.

anyway, assuming i'm not blind by tmr, there's too much on my plate. and for once, no one seems to want to snatch the stuff on it. *coff song, toh*

dumbledore's greatest weakness - the need to believe the best of everyone.

i'm inclined to believe the worst in everyone. pessimist that i am.

dumblydore

2005-07-15T21:21:00.000+08:00

its a friday. i come home early when the other guys are watching fantastic 4 with pill. i'm supposed to do work. i fall asleep.

and unbelievably, i end up reading up everything i can about half blood prince. the anticipation is getting to me.

breathless

2005-07-13T20:50:00.000+08:00

i haven't been online in a couple of days.

monday, prefect's dinner. some pretty wild stuff.

homework keeps piling in. and keeps convincing me i should retire as a student and try for a job interview as a road sweeper.

i dunno why i feel so tired. so weary. i'm 15. i'm supposed to be young and sprightly. but i feel like i'm running on empty. and the worst part, there doesn't seem to be anywhere on the horizon for me to stop and refuel.

topspin

2005-07-07T20:46:00.000+08:00

what a whacky day.. 5 plus hours of service, faults, slices.. i'm burnt.

spare a thought

2005-07-06T21:41:00.000+08:00

i hate it when people contrive to spoil my day.

faceless

2005-07-05T21:51:00.000+08:00

What's behind that masquerade?

i'm searching for a new identity.

i'm not unhappy. i'm not wallowing in self pity.

i'm just trying to re-discover myself.

thanks for all the concern, sincere or otherwise, anyway.

mmhmm

2005-07-04T09:53:00.000+08:00

i'm drinking a glass of bittergourd and green apple juice.
it encapsulates my mood right now. bittersweet.

i was supposed to have started work about half an hour ago. but naturally i haven't.

my room's a mess. my life's a mess.

its all been so different. there's no longer someone or something i can turn to. nothing i can find solace in. playing the piano doesn't seem enjoyable anymore. reading books ain't fun anymore. going out with friends is almost an ordeal. i dunno.

i'm messed up and i know its my fault.

in other news, i watched 2046 and A.I. yesterday. 2046 was like so really slow paced.. it was like sucking the life out of me. A.I. on the other hand was kinda deep. Or at least that's how i made it out to be. a young boy in search of love [motherly love in this case]. mmhmm.

ST H9

2005-07-02T08:34:00.000+08:00

Christmas 2001...

All I can do is pray and have Faith

float away

2005-07-01T20:23:00.000+08:00

so small, so insignificant..

its been a long time since i had something nice to blog about. i really wish i have something good to describe, something pleasant to share. but huo4 bu4 dan1 xing2. in school, outside school, its all been pretty dour and well, terrible too.

wish i could just float away on a bed of roses with nice music and good food, a friend who cares and a perfect family.

float away..

The Calling

2005-06-30T19:25:00.000+08:00

I've been thinking about you, my love
And all the crazy things that you put me through
Now I'm coming around, throwing it back to you

Were you thinking of me, when you kissed him
Could you taste me when you licked his skin
And all that while I showered you with trust and promises

What I'm needing now is some sweet revenge
To get back all that I lost then
I gave you all I had to give
But I could never reach you

Adrienne, I thought I knew you
Once again, you used me, used me
Adrienne, I should have left you
Long before you used me, used me up

Spent my money, drove my car
I treated you like a shining star
But in my sky all burnt out you are

And I'll have the last laugh
When I see you walking with some other guy
'Cause I know you are gonna end up all alone

So take these words, some good advice
All you've done's gonna come back twice
You never cared how much it hurt
I really need to tell you

Adrienne, I thought I knew you
Once again, you used me, used me
Adrienne, I should have left you
Long before you used me, used me up

What I'm needing now is some sweet revenge
To get back all that I lost then
I gave you all that I had to give
But I could never reach you

Adrienne, I thought I knew you
Once again, you used me, used me
Adrienne, I should have left you
Long before you used me, used me up

You used me

questions and problems

2005-06-29T21:21:00.000+08:00

life asks questions of you every day, every moment.

and right now i'm struggling to find the answers.

people think i live a cool rosy life. well, i wish they were right.

i see everything behind that masquerade. behind that calm and collected face. behind those empty words. anxiety, stress, fear. problems.

his problems are her problems, are her problems and are my problems too.

let's just hope we get through this quick and well, not too hurt.

had a bad day again

2005-06-28T19:04:00.000+08:00

i woke up showered and all.

went down for breakfast.

shouting. non-stop. for twenty minutes. i chew resolutely at my sandwhich. but eventually, nothing goes down and i stop at less than 50%.

i don't blame her for all the ranting and scolding. i deserve it. but right here, right now, its the last thing i need.

okay that was hours ago.

i just had dinner. she was berating me again. i'm fed up.

ooh and some people's powers of organisation are.. shockingly inadequate. it's causing me undue stress. and as my mom rightly said, you got yourself into all of this. i'm an idiot. i let myself get used to so easily.

had a bad day

2005-06-27T18:36:00.000+08:00

first day of term 3.

what's the difference..

more trivial daily rigours of school life. more homework to do. more deadlines to meet.

more worries.

a resignation.

a service learning problem.

animosity. a personal vendetta. totally dumb misunderstanding. that's probably a understatement but so? i don't give a damn what you think and i don't give a damn what you do with your life. i have my own life to live. don't be so egoistic and go thinking that i have nothing to do. i'm not that sad. i don't have to bend so low and snoop in your life. get the idea out of your head. i'm not out to wreak your life. you put yourself in that predicament. that circumstance. you let the suspicions get to you.

whatever you choose to do, good for you.

meanwhile, i'll go about doing what i have to do. and ignoring all the taunts and ridiculous remarks and hilarious facial expressions.

that stupid glass

2005-06-26T17:28:00.000+08:00

i'm a pessimist.

the glass is never half full. its always totally empty.

cut

2005-06-26T10:23:00.000+08:00

i finally got my hair cut and thinned after six weeks. the longest i've ever gone without a hair cut. but now it's like so terribly short. and thin. ah well, i told her to make it short and i also specifically instructed her to thin it. so oh well. its just.. well too short and too thin. i dunno what i'm gonna do with it now. even my clay can't help me now.

Crushed & Crumbling

2005-06-25T09:51:00.000+08:00

my world is falling apart around me.

great expectations and the beautiful letdown

2005-06-22T20:44:00.000+08:00

you know, today i just feel like i need to apologise to all those people out there who i have offended, who i have demeaned, who i have irritated, angered. To people i have ignored, and forsaken.

i'm not here to make excuses, just apologies.

i'm sorry if i've let you down.

new car

2005-06-21T20:19:00.000+08:00

my mom's new BMW just came a few hours ago.

can't believe her.. silver again. so boring.

i mean.. silver BMW to replace a silver BMW. *shakes head*

i must admit though that the car is sexy all the same. its oozing class and muscle. why do i have to wait another two years before i can get my driving license? hehe..

of shopping, watching tv and lots of eating

2005-06-21T19:24:00.000+08:00

got back from Hong Kong last night. Could be summarised in two words - quite okay. not very specific i know. but oh well. Following my mom around shopping all day is tough on the legs. But that's balanced out with lots and lots of delicious food XD i've always leaned towards chinese, especially cantonese food. although i would take a good juicy steak any day. surprisingly, i didn't put on any weight. must be all the walking round.

The hotel was cool. pretty new. each room had a 42 inch plasma tv so i virtually spent every moment in the hotel watching tv if i wasn't sleeping lol. My dad brought me on a morning stroll to the place where he used to stay like some 30 plus years ago. Its all run down now.

Hong Kong is cool really. i hadn't been back there for like 4 years but i guess it hasn't changed much. Retaining its old flavour but with drops of modernity spattered all over it.

Pretty happy since i managed to finally get my pair of Nike Dunks for only bout 100 singapore dollars. oh and i've got like 4 new t-shirts from nautica and giordano. and a new pair of jeans, a new belt. yep that's pretty much it i think.

now time for homework.

It is in our darkest hour that we must have Faith

The Pope in the movie End of Days

RMUN

2005-06-17T06:32:00.000+08:00

Jubilation. We jumped, we hugged, we screamed and shouted.

But deep down somewhere, behind that smile, I was hurting.

Distant kinda pangs. Like i was supposed to part of that. I contributed in my own small way surely. But it just didn't feel the same. Well, i was part of the great team that won last year. That's some kinda consolation i suppose.

Kudos to Team 1 anyway.

To God be the Glory. ACS Forever.

Purposeful accident or accidental purpose?

2005-06-13T13:43:00.000+08:00

He jams hard on the accelerator. The engine revs to life with a deafening roar. Exhilirating speed. Torque and horsepower. Everything zooms past in a blur.

Travelling through time and space. The wind beating down on his face.

Crossroads. Something, someone comes dashing accross. Intercepting him. Crossing his path. Bringing everything to a screeching halt.

Slow motion. The brakes wearing away in those split seconds. The tyres burning against the gravel.

Spinning out of control.

Lost and disillusioned. Vulnerable and afraid.

2005-06-12T22:35:00.000+08:00

He sat there non-plussed. Put simply, it had been a bad day.

The monotony of life was getting to his head. This tiresome cycle.

He awoke once again, from a nightmare. Perhaps more a bad dream. But morbidly, it had been pleasant in an inexplicable way.

If God was the Alpha and the Omega, then this Thing that plagued his thoughts, was the Beta and the Upsilon.

He had never experienced true joy in his life. None of the earthly material successes could be considered such. To him, they were but a point proven, to nobody in particular, not even himself. Or his mother. The satisfcation undoubtedly present. But unbridled joy, not so.

Except.. perhaps just once in his life. Limitless, youthful ecstasy. Bliss beyond bounds. Once and only once in his life. Albiet short-lived.

Five months of anticipation building up and finally reaching 3 weeks of exhiliration. He lived for this Thing. Consumed by his passion, addicted to the emotion.

But they say the higher you soar, the more painful the fall. His material achievements should have rendered him proud beyond measure. And pride comes before a fall. But he never took any pleasure in palpable accomplishment, never found any reason to be contented or august; he only found the growing pressure a burden, a great weight upon his own shoulders. And the irony, was that he saw no reason for heaping more pressure upon himself, yet continually year after year, in an almost gruesome way drove himself to inhumane extents to maintain levels of excellence.

Now that he sat here immersed in the sea of cynicism, he thought it was perhaps because he had had nothing to work towards. No aim in life. It hadn't been about proving a point. Yes. That was it. That year, when the Thing had come into his life, everything changed. Yes indeed. There was now something to live life for. Something that absorbed his attention. Something that permeated his thoughts.

It all came tumbling down. And he hit earth hard. But this wasn't some rubbery earth. He wasn't just going to bounce straight back up. This was quicksand. The more he struggled, the deeper he got sucked in. Everything snatched away. And he knew he was right. What were material achievements anyway? It was the intangibles that mattered. And he, one who had his way with certificates and titles had failed miserably in the one thing that his life actually centered around - emotions.

Out of control. Swirling like a whirlwind. Kaleidoscopic colours of pure joy and extreme misery. Memories falling like snowflakes. Tears flowing like a river. The highest and lowest points in his life. IT.

The closest he had ever been to happiness. And also the nearest he had ever been into descending into hatred.

All said and done, he was back to square one.

No. It was negative one. His mind, now clouded by shards of broken glass from a mantelpiece once filled with happy recollections. Devoid of drive. Afflicted by affection.

Lost and disillusioned. Vulnerable and afraid.

Relapse

2005-06-09T22:18:00.000+08:00

A faint zephyr floated by. The wind chimes tinkled, like peals of laughter.

It ought to have been soup for the soul, a reminder of those halcyon days, finally some tranquil wave of relaxtion to warm that frosty heart.

But to him, it was anything but. The sharp intonation resonated through the air. He envisaged every particle vibrating as the ripple edged towards him. Menacing. Like a tidal wave rushing headlong. To crush him.

They rang again. Crystal clear. Clear as mud. The chink of metal against metal. Cold hard steel. Relentless assault on his cerebrum. Reverberations in his head. Echoes once again bouncing off those dull grey walls. Voices. Shadows. Murmuring.

A distant past back to haunt him.

He ran. Fled from the past, escaped the present, decided there was no future.

The wind whistled in his ears. For what seemed like an eternity. All his life, he just wanted to scream. But now, no tears flowed, no sound uttered. An end. Closure.

Cancer

2005-06-08T20:18:00.000+08:00

He lay flat on his back, breathing hard as though he had been sprinting in a hundred metre dash. He had awoken from a vivid nightmare, into another day of tiresome ordeals.

His hands were pressed against his head; his head, burning beneath his fingers as though someone had just pressed a white-hot wire to his skin.

Staccato. Bursts of pain.

He didn't want to open his eyes; didn't want to surrender his soul to another day in hell.

Crescendo. The throbbing in his skull was on the ascendency.

Memories flashed by; unrolling like a film reel on fast forward. Sound clips reverberated in his head, rebounding off the inner walls of his dream box. Echoes - a reiteration of the past. A reflection, a reply. Repercussions in repitition.

Climax. The agony achieved its acme. Cerebral activity overload. The torment and the heartache, the anguish and the affliction.

Spreading like a malaise.

veils

2005-06-06T22:00:00.000+08:00

you've really got to give it to some pple. how they manipulate. conciously or unconciously. its terrible and terrifying. the lies? i dunno i really dunno. its tough seeing through all these veils of untruths and half truths. of emotions and stress. pressure and friendships.

its difficult. especially when your eyes are hurting like mine. no. not from tears. their DRY!!!! i look like some scary monster with bloodshot eyes. as if my face wasn't bad enough.

Nom de Dieu de putain de bordel de merde de saloperie de connard d'encul� de ta m�re!

2005-06-06T18:34:00.000+08:00

why do i even bother. everytime i go, we lose. i come back injured. i couldn't sleep last night with that screwed up lower back. AND i hurt my groin. !@$$* add the fact that some things keep echoing in my stupid head. AND the fact that i'm bleedin like a mad man from my lips. everytime i pick up an apple or something to eat my lips crack when i bite and blood starts trickling down my apple. my skin is drying up and cracking too. AND my eyes are so dry and sore their nearly perpetually blood shot. i had to get a bottle of eye drops yesterday >.<

AND add the fact that i'm missing all the fun stuck at home having tuition every day. i can't take this much longer. rmun on the 14th. fashion parade not done. *shakes head and rolls eyes*

hong kong. 17th. breathe. hong kong. 17th. that's all i'm living for right now.

boys and girls

2005-06-05T09:12:00.000+08:00

i watched it on tv last night.

i cried.

blood

2005-06-03T20:15:00.000+08:00

the river of life, coursing through your veins. today, it was leaking non stop from my mouth >.< woke up in the morning, cleared my throat while washing up and out came a globule of blood. my lips have been bleeding non-stop all day too. i hate the taste of blood.

but for once, today i actually feel good. i watered the plants and i washed the dishes and i made a whole lot of sandwiches which are now sitting in the fridge, ready for me to eat for breakfast tmr and as snack any time in the day. wahaha. i need to drink more water. blood tastes horrible. i'm sweating. the air con! oh no. bye bye.

that's just me

2005-06-01T19:39:00.000+08:00

i thought about it today while muching on a nice tasty blood red strawberry. i'm a loner. was born one. still am one. what happened over the past year is perhaps best described as a forced attempt at changing my lifestyle. a failed attempt at that. i'm uncomfortable around strangers, calculated, cautious. i think too much. i think before i say anything, before i do anything. and everyone is a stranger, until i change. and it hasn't happened. pple say its male pride. partially i would say. the other part, would be the fact that i don't want to hurt pple with what i say, disappoint others with what i do.

expectations. great expectations. this life is a pressure cooker. one mistake, perhaps it'll just explode into smithereens. the higher you fly, the more painful the fall. and there's bound to be a fall. sooner or later. you can't stay up there forever. sometimes, i wonder if i could just fall on purporse, so i get the chance to start from scratch again. but well, i think, my ego, my male pride gets to me. it spurs me on. it refuses to let me let myself down.

but even as i type, i can feel that formerly powerful life force, that motor that drived me, i feel it dissipating, puncturing like a balloon. i hear the rev of the engine winding down gradually.

need something to kickstart it again. and the scary part, is that i know it can only come from within me, not from you, not from anywhere else, not from my mom. that's just me.

You think that I will change
But you know that will never be
I'm just that way and that's just me
Well it's just the way I am
And I am doing all I can
Why can't you see I just can't change
Well I could care less what you see
I'm just nevertheless here for me

You're always getting what you want But you still keep looking
I guess you're just never getting what you need
With your eyes wide open
You still keep looking for your dream
That's just me

joy joy

2005-05-31T15:55:00.000+08:00

can't believe i just watched madagascar. and can't believe i watched it with josh too hahahaha. was quite funny. i suppose. but i doubt singaporeans would understand some really american jokes. i mean, how many singaporeans actually know who or what the new york giants are lol. eli manning? ring a bell? no. see? haha. nvm.

rmun briefing was pretty lame. and after all that they didn't have my feedback and rubrics for my policy statement. and for a whole host of other ecosoc delegates too. -.- now i shall have to wait while they email it to me. soon. hopefully.

chem tuition later at 5.30 >.< i wanna go out!! with friends! [no offence josh, but you're so nice and guai it's not as fun going out with you 0=)]

hehe. anyway, i think i shall go take a nap.

evening strolls

2005-05-30T22:19:00.000+08:00

there wasn't even a hint of a breeze. but it was enjoyable all the same. quality time to talk with my dad. walked all the way to jelita and back. nice way to let out some steam too. you know? sweat? haha.. okay lame. no wait, i just came back from a walk. so i can't be lame.

ah anyway lol. i'm especially cheery now. for reasons i shall keep to myself.

of non-sunny sundays

2005-05-30T12:17:00.000+08:00

first time i'm using my desktop in 3 days. i think i'm beginning to like that laptop.

i really hate the rain. actually, i just hate getting wet because of the rain.

was at bras basah for lunch and to get some books and stuff.. and some idiot threw a plastic gun down from upstairs which landed just about less than half a meter away from my feet. -.-

went for bookfair at suntec. and bought.. an unseemly number of books. finally got my tian long ba bu series. i just love wu xia xiao shuo. oh and i subscribed to economist and newsweek for a year. oh and i also bought a book called mei li xin shi jie.. but it's in fan ti zi, ah well.. i'm determined to work through it.

had a decent dinner at marche. then went shopping around suntec. saw trixie. didn't buy much.. my sis did though.. i'm thinking like since i'm going to hong kong in two weeks time or so i might as well get my stuff there. oh oh and thanks aunty betty! the billabong t-shirt is real nice. i love sky blue (:

oh and my horrible holidays (hols my foot) just started. just had chem tuition. which i will like be having 4 times a week maybe? my mom wants it every possible day coz this crazy teacher is fully booked for the next two years and so can only teach me during the hols >.< oh and i have english tuition this afternoon -.- to prepare me for my english O levels. i dunno what got to my head, signing up for english Os. i haven't done a comprehension or summary in like what, 2 years?

ah well.

So you lost yourself
So you lost your way
Found life through someone else
But you threw it all away

i hate losing

2005-05-28T23:29:00.000+08:00

can't say that we actually went in expecting to win anything. but it just sucks. the feeling. terrible. especially when you know you could have done a better job. possibly didn't give it your best shot during preparation.

i'm a sore loser. those who know me would understand why i say that. i hate losing and i love winning. a bad combination by any means.

about roses, oranges and tulips

2005-05-27T23:44:00.000+08:00

revolution.

the thrill of upheaval. of change. the adrenaline rush.

rotator cuff

2005-05-25T20:29:00.000+08:00

i guess i'm supposed to believe that is Mr Bongard on my tagboard. sure sounds like him but well, i have reason to suspect that it's not. tagboard's aren't exactly very reliable sources of information.

apparently, i pulled my right rotator cuff. possibly during hockey, after a long period of inactivity although it only started hurting like the next morning when i attempted to get off my bed. i dunno. maybe i hurt it while sleeping. ah well. apparently my curved spine problem hasn't like gone away. and apparently, my left shoulder is slightly more protruding than my right one.

i went blog surfing. even though i ought to be prep-ing for rjc humanities quiz and rmun XP pardon me if you ever read this sir. the wealth of knowledge you can attain from blogs is well.. almost overwhelming.

of course, its fun to read friends' blogs too. although that sometimes brings back memories. sometimes undesirable. but well. it's fun. especially when you just don't feel like doing anything.

lost

2005-05-22T22:29:00.000+08:00

today, wherever i went, whatever i did, i just felt some deep seated resentment. bitterness.

i spent my afternoon wondering around with my dad. which is pretty cool. read some stuff at borders, walked round cine, bought something from world of sports.

but well, everything i did, everywhere i went, i just felt terrible. there's no longer any inner peace.

the focussed child that i was a year ago is no more. it amazes me how someone or somethings can crush me so completely. utterly destroy me. change me. i'll never be the same again. the me at the end of 2002 - lost, never to be found again.

asymptote

2005-05-20T22:51:00.000+08:00

^%$&

stupid asymptote. so so so close to perfection.. so close to something undefined! oh the dramatic irony... ah!

i suppose i did okay for the exams. honestly felt i probably could have got like maybe a couple marks more here and there for higher chinese, chem, physics, math. ah well. and don't even mention lang arts.

i didn't think i'd be able to break 80% average but well, 82%. i dunno.. ah well. i could have got 84%. but i shan't sulk over it but that also means i shan't be content with myself. there's room for improvement.

i don't think i'll forget the exhaustion of the exertions from preparing for these exams. never again. no more starting to study 1 week before exams. no.

i suppose i ought to be happy. but i'm not. you know something's wrong if you're just sitting there playing comp for the whole day. it's bad. i've got to look for that human part in me. do things i used to do. lived the life i used to live.

i don't think my heart can take much more

out

2005-05-19T21:30:00.000+08:00

i didn't want to do it. i don't have to. but enough is enough. out of life.

retrospect

2005-05-18T21:22:00.000+08:00

watched revenge of the sith today. from the first row too.. >.< now my neck is killing me. and i've got a splitting headache too. must be the lunch at crepes and cream. too much dairy products there.

well, went bowling in the morning, was okay i suppose.. haven't bowled in ages so i was like rusty. then played pool for an hour or so.. and went to watch the movie.

i somehow managed to wreck my ipod earphones. now i need to get new ones. i saw some cool sony ones.. but they cost like 80 plus bucks.. ah well.

ROTS was well.. comical yet tragic. knew what was coming but it's just tragic all the same. and well, my own emotional state didn't really help. and the fact that my mom was like pissed with me at home meant that i went home feeling really terrible. i dunno. i've been feeling really down for no real reason the past week or so. worst i've ever felt after exams. and it has nothing to do with the exams either.

hopefully i'll have something to cheer about on friday.

nausea

2005-05-17T21:50:00.000+08:00

i'm so zoned out that i just took an extra accutane pill >.<

just want to weep. feel helpless. i really can't let go.

so lonely inside, so busy out there
and all you wanted, was somebody who cares

rain.

2005-05-17T17:31:00.000+08:00

me and my umbrella
we've been through lots together.

feeling empty. like hollow inside.

drained

2005-05-16T18:32:00.000+08:00

i'm totally totally exhausted. drained physically and emotionally. just feeling numb.

i just think i never really picked myself up after december. barely dragged myself through these CTs. crawling through each passing day. but there's no more vigour. no more motivation and no more drive. it's all gone. gone with that whirlwind of events. i feel terrible. terrible coz i can't do what i want to do, what i know i have to do. and terrible coz i know i've let so many pple down, disappointed so many pple.

numb.

fair game

2005-05-15T21:15:00.000+08:00

life is totally, absolutely fair. i've been showered with blessings. with luck and fortune. with success in certain areas. but in some others, well, i just get slapped across the face time and again.

Please just don't play with me
My paper heart will bleed

tomorrow, i face 750 students. i do what i've haven't been able to do the past 6 months. to face my fears.

the emotional beating isn't helping.

quaint quandary

2005-05-15T18:47:00.000+08:00

love and hate.

to hate because you love?

all it takes, is a little forgiveness.

standing still

2005-05-15T05:13:00.000+08:00

Cutting through the darkest night in my two headlights
Trying to keep it clear, but I'm losing it here to the twilight
There's a dead end to my left, there's a burning bush to my right
But you aren't in sight

Do you want me, like I want you?
Or am I standing still, beneath the darkened sky?
Or am I standing still, with the scenery flying by?
Or am I standing still, out of the corner of my eye?
Was that you passing me by?

Mothers on the stoop, boys in souped-up coupes on this hot summer night
Between fight and flight is the blind man's sight and the choice that's right
I roll the window down, feel like I'm gonna drown in this strange town
Feel broken down, I feel broken down

Do you need me, like I need you?
Or am I standing still, beneath the darkened sky?
Or am I standing still, with the scenery flying by?
Or am I standing still, out of the corner of my eye?
Was that you passing me by?

Do you love me, like I love you?

Untitled

2005-05-14T23:59:00.000+08:00

I open my eyes
I try to see but I'm blinded by the white light
I can't remember how
I can't remember why
I'm lying here tonight

sitting here this late. just thinking, thinking about nothing really. and i guess that's the sad part isn't it? everything flies by so quickly in a flash of blinding white light that i really can't remember how and why i'm here today.

Everybody's screaming
I try to make a sound but no one hears me
I'm slipping off the edge
I'm hanging by a thread
I wanna start this over again

it's crazy. the myriad of experiences. just trying to stare back down that kaleidoscope. it's tough. can't recall things you want to remember. can't forget things you don't want to recall.

So I try to hold onto a time when nothing mattered
And I can't explain what happened
And I can't erase the things that I've done
No I can't

everybody's changing. but some things just never change.

I made my mistakes
I've got no where to run
The night goes on
As I'm fading away
I'm sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

time stands still. where is everybody? i'm bored, i'm tired, exams are over and this couldn't get any worse. or could it?

if anything, i've learnt to expect the unexpected.

dotz..

2005-05-14T20:24:00.000+08:00

some pple are just way slow... unbelievable.. in fact, it's downright disgusting. i don't really take offence no matter what pple say.. i'm just too used to it.. but some pple really.. go too far. haha. it's amusing. but well. it's sad too.

ladida..

2005-05-13T20:56:00.000+08:00

went out today. for the first time in way too long. somehow, they're now really stringent in their checking of age for movies.. we got sent away at two cinemas today.. so lame.. i mean.. what difference would a few months make..

ended up playing pool for an hour. then walked around ps.. boring really..

aem and iso is starting to get on my nerves.. it's terribly unfair.

drowning

2005-05-05T21:50:00.000+08:00

no time. no space to breathe. suffocating routine.

choice. the problem is choice.

as i said in my presentation today, the choices we make are what defines ourselves. well, the last six months, i've made a tad too many bad decisions. bad choices. how. how do i redefine myself?

why worry

2005-05-04T22:23:00.000+08:00

I worry,
I wonder all the time
why worry
It's killing me,
forget about it

I whisper,
remember what she did
Don't miss her
Set me free
but i can't forget it

Angry and gone,
and the list goes on and on

I can't move on, I can't take it

Believing,
the things i did were wrong
I'm leaving
It fades away,
forget about it

but i'm finding,
can't do a thing alone
Rewinding
Times before,
can't live without it

i can't move on, i can't take it
i won't make it.

why worry

2005-05-04T22:09:00.001+08:00

tremors of the mind

2005-05-04T22:09:00.000+08:00

it won't go away. it just won't.

killing me softly...

no. not killing me softly with his song. just ripping me apart. my mind. tearing it to pieces. slowly but surely. attacking me. waves upon waves. of insecurity. of doubt. of fear. of nothingness. of lost hope.

a void.

The day I knew you would leave
I can barely breathe
Can you hear me scream?

i shiver. natalie imbruglia? no. i shake. i tremble. at her touch? no. at dinner. chopsticks. spoon. arm. turbulence. quakes. in my mind. screaming. shouting. for something. i don't even know what it is.

He's lost his will
Time is standing still

i wish. wish that time will just stand still. but no. everything passes me by. and i'm frozen. my heart. my mind.

He walks her home
Now he walks alone
The days they turn into years
The eyes they drown in tears

flood. down my sorry face. drought. in my useless mind.

angel from my nightmare

lost. confused. shadows of my past. haunt me in my sleep. following me every step of the way. re-opening every wound.

This is the last time
That I will say these words

This is the last time

i hope.

beautiful

2005-05-03T21:06:00.000+08:00

'My mind speaks a language I don't understand'

my thoughts are persistently interrupted by snippets from film reels of my past. in my dreams. when i'm studying. i did my la (b) assignment yesterday - places. yes places. so here goes my trail of thought whilst staring blankly at physics notes.

magnet. taiwan. electromagnetic induction. taiwan. solenoid. taiwan. and it goes on.

who? what? where? it all remains clear as mud in that disgusting swamp in between my ears.

'you and i both know, that i'm not over you'

oh and Happy Birthday Song! (:
Known you forever. or at least it seems that way haha. you've been there for me and i've been there for you (or at least i try to be) haha.. thanks for everything man! i don't think i need to type much more. our friendship is beyond words! wahaha XD

"if God made you, He's in love with me"

Zzz...

2005-05-02T09:35:00.000+08:00

dotx.. something bout me is not very right. the comp is gonna be the death of me. no actually it's msn. or ares. or iTunes. or.. pple. nvm. school! bleargh. gah. bleh. grr. argh. nvm

i'm still here.

2005-04-30T21:13:00.000+08:00

you know, sometimes, it just takes some unfortunate events to let pple realise stuff. ah well.. we all miss things sometimes.

i'm bored. i ought to be studying, but i've got this strange urge to not study at all for common tests and see how much i can get. okay that's plain cockiness. i'm mad.

phenomenology

2005-04-26T21:30:00.000+08:00

"I exist and all that is not I is mere phenomenon dissolving into phenomenal connections"

Edmund Husserl

bleargh

2005-04-25T19:10:00.000+08:00

common tests are upon us. but guess what? i haven't started studying. it's just plain frightening. the thought of failure. not failure as in not being able to pass. but failure as in not meeting my own lofty standards.

some pple are just getting so irritable. not irritating. but easily irritated. sometimes even i wonder how i control my temper.

i asked this indian sec 2 this morning if he was waiting for someone coz he was like loitering around the space frame. his brilliant reply:

"No, i'm just waiting for someone else."

language arts!

2005-04-22T21:19:00.000+08:00

finally, the terror of OC [oral commentary that is] is over. and thank goodness I managed to pull it off. truly, the beauty of language! XD

on a much lighter note...

"I love the French language. I have sampled every language, French is my favourite - fantastic language, especially to curse with. Nom de Dieu de putain de bordel de merde de saloperie de connard d'encul� de ta m�re! [Trans: Name of God of whore of brothel of shit of filth of jerk of fucking your mother up the ass.] You see, it's like wiping your arse with silk, I love it."

XP

oh yeah! Happy Birthday Soon Kai! XD we all lub joo! lol.. thanks for being there all the time! your bubbly character, your infectious laughter. you were great to me in taiwan and i'll never forget it!

somehow, you and i will collide

2005-04-20T16:52:00.000+08:00

Collide
Howie Day

The dawn is breaking
A light shining through
You're barely waking
And I'm tangled up in you

But I'm open, you're closed
Where I follow, you'll go
I worry I won't see your face
Light up again

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills my mind
I somehow find, you and I collide

I'm quiet, you know
You make a first impression
I've found I'm scared to know
I'm always on your mind

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the stars refuse to shine
Out of the back you fall in time
I somehow find, you and I collide

Don't stop here
I've lost my place
I'm close behind

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills your mind
You finally find, you and I collide

will you eventually find, that You and I collide?......

2005-04-19T20:03:00.000+08:00

at least 4 times. 4 times this year. a teacher has walked up to me. asked me if i had any problems. i flatly deny that i've changed. but they insist i have. that my work has. lacklustre. i've heard enough of that word. lacklustre. jaded. well i'm trying. i hope they understand that. i'm trying. its not easy but i am.

2005-04-18T22:08:00.000+08:00

today just passed by. dunno. nothing interesting. read some blogs. which was pretty much the most interesting thing all day. other than perhaps considering the possibility that the sec 3s are so gonna die during their camp/trek in malaysia.

well some pple just disgust me. you can do certain things and still have the guts to say certain things. i really have nothing to say. i've known you for how many years now? 7? 8? i've watched you degenerate into that creature you are today and its just plain sad. family problems? yeah? so what? is that an excuse? okay i sympathise with your family problems. but there's no excuse for that kinda behaviour. i don't believe there's no good left in you. i think its time you looked to God again. mould your life the way he wants you to. you're going nowhere at this rate. actually no, you may think you're going places. but let me tell you, this road you're taking? it's a dead end. take a good look at yourself in the mirror. what have you become? who do you think you are?

i probably have no right to say all this. i'm just a innocent bystander. an onlooker. but most of all, a friend who's saddened by your actions. if you ever read this, i'm sure you'll know who you are. sort yourself out will you? not for all our sake. but for your own sake.

2005-04-17T20:29:00.000+08:00

i feel good (: went for an evening jog. actually more like run. great feeling. the wind blowing past your face. just wonderful. fresh air. haha.

in a fell swipe of dramatic irony, i noticed that the tiny sphere in the other heart on my handphone thingy has also disappeared. lol. brilliant. haha.

Move On
Jet
Well I been thinking about the future
But I'm too young to pretend
It's such a waste to always look behind you
Should be lookin' straight ahead

Yeah, I'm gonna have to move on
Before we meet again
Yeah, it's hard
If you had've only seen

10.34: Flinders Street Station
I'm lookin' down the tracks
Uniformed man askin' am I paid up
Why would I wanna be that?

'Cause every once in a while
You think about if your gonna get yourself together
You should be happy just to be alive
And just because you just don't feel like comin' home
Don't mean that you'll never arrive

Yeah I'm gonna have to move on
Before we meet again
Yeah it's hard
If you had have only seen
Take control
Don't be afraid of me

2005-04-15T14:20:00.000+08:00

the past two days swept by like a whirlwind. left my head spinning. truly mind numbing.

tuesday night - i got no sleep at all. horrible thoughts. notions. incessantly messing with my mind. death. friendships. just about everything bad in the last year was haunting me in its full force. i was exhausted. my eyes wouldn't stay open. but i just couldn't fall asleep. not after i got up and worked out for the second time that day. not after i went down and had a warm cup of honey lemon.

i was barely getting by wednesday. in a daze after no sleep at all the previous night. then we got hit with a chem test. well done to me i managed to **** up another science test this year. just wondering how long my bullshitting and lack of understanding of concepts will get me. after school, my mood was starting to improve i guess. we went down to Police Acdemy. whole school. B Div national rugby finals. it was time to wrest back the crown. but no, the weather wouldn't hold up. so we all go home at 7. and i got back at 8 plus after debrief with prefects and making sure my fund raising comm got all their stuff back. but no, that wasn't the end of my torrid day. i go home, and find that my air-conditioning has turned into a heater for whatever reason. >.< i crapped up a ying yong wen in 15 minutes and went to 'bed'. except i decided i would sleep on the couch in the living room since my air con wasn't working and my room is so messy that a fan couldn't fit (all the power points were used up anyway) and i didn't feel like being ravaged by mosquitoes with the window open. naturally, i had trouble falling asleep what with my already bad back. managed to force in 4 hours of sleep before i was abruptly woken up at 2.30 am by an irritating mosquito buzzing around my ear. since i couldn't fall alseep again, i turned on the television and watched liverpool some how hold out juventus at the stade dell alpi and progress to champions' league semis. that was probably the only nice part of my two days.

bad day in school again on thursday. the moment i walked into class i got into a shouting match with a few classmates bout some group work. and i totally zoned out during philosophy. feng tells me i looked like a druggie. but anyway, went for the 'postponed' rugby final after school. of course nothing would go right would it? we lost 6-0 to the saints. one more year before we get the chance to chant 'holiday' again. sigh. the sight of the ruggers crying uncontrollably, the indescribable disappointment. ah well. but what can i say. where does clubbing, smoking, alcohol, doing drugs and in-fighting over a girl get you?

got home at 830 after giving song a lift home. did 10 math questions then decided i couldn't take it anymore. dragged a spare mattress from my sis' room to my parent's room on the third floor and just plonked down and fell into a deep slumbur.

woke up this morning. found out my granduncle in vancouver got hospitalised. in a bad state. my mom may be flying off soon to be with him. i get to school, i find out that song's grandma passed away early this morning too. and i just sat in the prefect board room and counted a big fat stack of cash. kudos to fund-raising comm. they did a credible job at the rugby finals.

perhaps through all of that, there was indeed some good. just really really glad, that i've been really getting on well with my mom and dad over the past week or so. i haven't had that sort of feeling in ages. i'll xiang3 shou4 tian1 lun2 zi1 le4 while it lasts.

today's the first time i'm touching the comp in 3 days. it's been a long while. a long while since i did a lot of things. since i talked to some people. seems like an eternity. i'm hanging in there. i'm sure many of you out there are feeling down. dejected. angsty. whatever it is. hang in there.

Mr Lonely
Akon

I woke up in the middle of the night and I noticed my girl wasn't by my side,
Coulda sworn I was dreamin, for her I was
Feenin, so I hadda take a little ride,
Back tracking over these few years,
Tryna figure out what I do to make it go bad,
Cuz ever since my girl left me,
my whole left life came crashing and

Im so lonely (so lonely),
Im mr. Lonely (mr. Lonely)
I have nobody (I have nobody)
To call my own (to call my own) girl

Can't belive I hadda girl like you and I just let you walk right outta my life,
After all I put u through
You still stuck around and stayed by my side,
What really hurt me is I broke your heart,
Baby you were a good girl and I had no right,
I really wanna make things right, cuz without you in my life girl

Im so lonely (so lonely)
Im mr. Lonely (mr. Lonely)
I have nobody (I have nobody to call my own)
To call my own (to call my own) girl

Been all about the world ain't never met a girl that can take the things that you been through
Never thought the day would come where you would get up and run and I would be out chasing you
Cuz ain't nowhere in the globe i'd rather be,
Ain't noone in the globe i'd rather see then the girl of my dreams that made me
Be so happy but now so lonely

So lonely (so lonely)
Im mr. Lonely (mr. Lonely)
I have nobody (I have nobody)
To call my own (to call my own)

Never thought that id be alone,
I didnt hope you'd be gone this long,
I jus want u to come home, so stop playing girl and
Come on home (come on home),
Baby girl I didn't mean to shout,
I want me and you to work it out,
I never wished I'd ever hurt my baby,
And its drivin me crazy cuz...

Im so lonely (so lonely)
Im mr. Lonely (mr. Lonely)
I have nobody (I have nobody)
To call my own (to call my own)

Lonely, so lonely
So lonely, (so lonely),
Mr. Lonely, so lonely
So lonely, so lonely, (so lonely), Mr. Lonely

2005-04-10T22:08:00.000+08:00

Now I'm sitting here
Like we used to do
I think about my life
And there's nothing I won't do
Just for one more day
One more day with you

irrepressible longing.

chainsaw concerto and siren symphony.

2005-04-08T20:59:00.000+08:00

been ages since i last blogged. it really is time to get to grips with life. where has mun the mugger gone? the focussed self disciplined child? lost one year ago. but it's okay. i'm determined to find him again.

for starters, i've been spending quality time with my family this whole week. no heated arguments or major altercrations for a whole week which must have been my single greatest achievment in some time. actually decided i'd go out with... no it's not just any girl.. i went out to have a nice meal with my mom. yes. my mom. certain teachers have also seemed to be nicer this week somehow. haha.

common tests are 4 weeks away. time to sit down and focus. concentrate on the task ahead. i'm glad i've cut my messaging down to only 500 the last month. its time to find that old self back. no more messaging while studying. no more fooling around. that grade 7 average is within my reach if i put my heart to it. time to do more extended reading. time to start enriching myself once again. time to stop stagnating and rotting away.

about time.

2005-04-03T20:30:00.000+08:00

most uneventful april fools ever. well, on hindsight, nothing could match last year's.

i'm disappointed. what's the point of going on. only sec 4 to turn up. no offence to sec 2s, but their not up to standard. simple as that. i try my best as captain but its obvious some pple think its all a joke. just for fun rite? its just a game right? i don't think you should be in the team if you're not committed. and right now, i'm wondering wth i'm still doing hanging around. everything has expiry dates. my closer friends would have heard me say that before. i think its time i moved on. start a club or something. makes more sense then running till i drop only to get drubbed.

2005-03-31T19:01:00.000+08:00

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters. He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.

Nobody's Home
Avril Lavigne

I couldn't tell you why she felt that way,
She felt it everyday.
And I couldn't help her,
I just watched her make the same mistakes again.

What's wrong, what's wrong now?
Too many, too many problems.
Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs.
She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
It's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.

Open your eyes and look outside, find the reasons why.
You've been rejected, and now you can't find what you left behind.
Be strong, be strong now.
Too many, too many problems.
Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs.
She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
It's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.

Her feelings she hides.
Her dreams she can't find.
She's losing her mind.
She's fallen behind.
She can't find her place.
She's losing her faith.
She's fallen from grace.
She's all over the place.
Yeah,oh

She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
It's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.

She's lost inside, lost inside...oh oh
She's lost inside, lost inside...oh oh yeah

2005-03-29T19:57:00.000+08:00

Advanced Global Personality Test Results

Extraversion	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	63%
Stability	\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%
Orderliness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Empathy	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	36%
Interdependence	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	36%
Intellectual	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	63%
Mystical	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Artistic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	36%
Religious	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Hedonism	\|\|\|\|	16%
Materialism	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	76%
Narcissism	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	63%
Adventurousness	\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%
Work ethic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Self absorbed	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Conflict seeking	\|\|\|\|	16%
Need to dominate	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	83%

Romantic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	83%
Avoidant	\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%
Anti-authority	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	90%
Wealth	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	43%
Dependency	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	56%
Change averse	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	56%
Cautiousness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	83%
Individuality	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	63%
Sexuality	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	56%
Peter pan complex	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	43%
Physical security	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	83%
Food indulgent	\|\|\|\|	16%
Histrionic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	56%
Paranoia	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	83%
Vanity	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	90%
Hypersensitivity	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	90%
Female cliche	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%

Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

Apparently i'm all of the below...

open, tough, irritable, worrying, does not like to be alone, craves attention, low self control, emotionally sensitive, interacting, sad, very social, aggressive, prefer organized to unpredictable, dependent, social chameleon, suspicious, values the heart over the mind, likes large parties, outgoing, likes to make fun, likes to fit in, mildly phobic, vain, makes friends easily, enjoys leadership, clingy, rash

2005-03-29T19:31:00.000+08:00

Will I Ever Make It Home
Ingram Hill
13 Going on 30 OST

I woke up from my sleep to the sound of that voice
From the words that I heard I had no choice
They told me I had to turn around
My assurance slowly faded down
And I wonder

Will I ever make it home
Will I ever leave the ground
Leave this place so far behind

The plans that I had were quickly destroyed
The problem was one I couldn't avoid
They welcomed me to stay overnight
I'm too tired to complain so i just might
And I wonder

Will I ever make it home
To the place I recognize
Far from here and where I've been
And all the places that I've been shown
Will I ever make it home
Can they keep me here for good
Where I hardly know a soul
And my fear keeps going on

My weariness keeps growing inside
My patience is starting to subside
And I hope I'll be there soon
It can't be long or I'll fall through

Will I ever make it home
Will I ever leave the ground
Leave this place so far behind
Till there is no turning back
Will I ever make it home
Get to where I wanna be
Find the ones who wait for me
To the place where I belong
Will I ever make it home

will i ever find a home?

2005-03-28T20:16:00.000+08:00

You laid aside your majesty
Gave up everything for me
Suffered at the hands of those You had created
You took away my guilt and shame
When You died and rose again
Now today you reign
And Heaven and Earth exalt You

I really want to worship you my Lord
You have won my heart and I am Yours
Forever and ever
I will love You

You are the only one who died for me
Gave Your life to set me free
So I lift my voice to You
in adoration

adoration

2005-03-28T20:12:00.000+08:00

Take Me Away
Lifehouse

This time all I want is you
There is no one else
Who can take your place

This time You burned me with the way
You see past all the lies
You take it all away

I've seen it all and it's never enough
It keeps leaving me needing you

Take me away
Take me away
I've got nothing left to say
Just take me away

I try to make my way to you
But still I feel so alone
I don't know what to say
What else to do

Don't give up on me yet
Don't forget who I am
I know I'm not there yet
But don't let me stay here alone

Take me away
Take me away
I've got nothing left to say
Just take me away

show me a way

2005-03-27T23:27:00.000+08:00

you turn every head but you don't see me
till then i walk alone

I'm wearing out a lonely glow.
I miss you more than I could know.
Here I am, here I am,
won't you get me?

I've got my hands on redemption's side
Whose scars are bigger than these doubts of mine.
I'll fit all of these monstrosities inside
and I'll come alive.

With my fist down at your feet
I was running out of mysteries
Insecure and incomplete, here I am, here I am,
won't you get me?

My fears have worn me out
My fears have worn me out
My fears have worn me, worn me.

worn me out