that's just me

i thought about it today while muching on a nice tasty blood red strawberry. i'm a loner. was born one. still am one. what happened over the past year is perhaps best described as a forced attempt at changing my lifestyle. a failed attempt at that. i'm uncomfortable around strangers, calculated, cautious. i think too much. i think before i say anything, before i do anything. and everyone is a stranger, until i change. and it hasn't happened. pple say its male pride. partially i would say. the other part, would be the fact that i don't want to hurt pple with what i say, disappoint others with what i do.

expectations. great expectations. this life is a pressure cooker. one mistake, perhaps it'll just explode into smithereens. the higher you fly, the more painful the fall. and there's bound to be a fall. sooner or later. you can't stay up there forever. sometimes, i wonder if i could just fall on purporse, so i get the chance to start from scratch again. but well, i think, my ego, my male pride gets to me. it spurs me on. it refuses to let me let myself down.

but even as i type, i can feel that formerly powerful life force, that motor that drived me, i feel it dissipating, puncturing like a balloon. i hear the rev of the engine winding down gradually.

need something to kickstart it again. and the scary part, is that i know it can only come from within me, not from you, not from anywhere else, not from my mom. that's just me.


You think that I will change
But you know that will never be
I'm just that way and that's just me
Well it's just the way I am
And I am doing all I can
Why can't you see I just can't change
Well I could care less what you see
I'm just nevertheless here for me

You're always getting what you want But you still keep looking
I guess you're just never getting what you need
With your eyes wide open
You still keep looking for your dream
That's just me