the past two days swept by like a whirlwind. left my head spinning. truly mind numbing.

tuesday night - i got no sleep at all. horrible thoughts. notions. incessantly messing with my mind. death. friendships. just about everything bad in the last year was haunting me in its full force. i was exhausted. my eyes wouldn't stay open. but i just couldn't fall asleep. not after i got up and worked out for the second time that day. not after i went down and had a warm cup of honey lemon.

i was barely getting by wednesday. in a daze after no sleep at all the previous night. then we got hit with a chem test. well done to me i managed to **** up another science test this year. just wondering how long my bullshitting and lack of understanding of concepts will get me. after school, my mood was starting to improve i guess. we went down to Police Acdemy. whole school. B Div national rugby finals. it was time to wrest back the crown. but no, the weather wouldn't hold up. so we all go home at 7. and i got back at 8 plus after debrief with prefects and making sure my fund raising comm got all their stuff back. but no, that wasn't the end of my torrid day. i go home, and find that my air-conditioning has turned into a heater for whatever reason. >.< i crapped up a ying yong wen in 15 minutes and went to 'bed'. except i decided i would sleep on the couch in the living room since my air con wasn't working and my room is so messy that a fan couldn't fit (all the power points were used up anyway) and i didn't feel like being ravaged by mosquitoes with the window open. naturally, i had trouble falling asleep what with my already bad back. managed to force in 4 hours of sleep before i was abruptly woken up at 2.30 am by an irritating mosquito buzzing around my ear. since i couldn't fall alseep again, i turned on the television and watched liverpool some how hold out juventus at the stade dell alpi and progress to champions' league semis. that was probably the only nice part of my two days.

bad day in school again on thursday. the moment i walked into class i got into a shouting match with a few classmates bout some group work. and i totally zoned out during philosophy. feng tells me i looked like a druggie. but anyway, went for the 'postponed' rugby final after school. of course nothing would go right would it? we lost 6-0 to the saints. one more year before we get the chance to chant 'holiday' again. sigh. the sight of the ruggers crying uncontrollably, the indescribable disappointment. ah well. but what can i say. where does clubbing, smoking, alcohol, doing drugs and in-fighting over a girl get you?

got home at 830 after giving song a lift home. did 10 math questions then decided i couldn't take it anymore. dragged a spare mattress from my sis' room to my parent's room on the third floor and just plonked down and fell into a deep slumbur.

woke up this morning. found out my granduncle in vancouver got hospitalised. in a bad state. my mom may be flying off soon to be with him. i get to school, i find out that song's grandma passed away early this morning too. and i just sat in the prefect board room and counted a big fat stack of cash. kudos to fund-raising comm. they did a credible job at the rugby finals.

perhaps through all of that, there was indeed some good. just really really glad, that i've been really getting on well with my mom and dad over the past week or so. i haven't had that sort of feeling in ages. i'll xiang3 shou4 tian1 lun2 zi1 le4 while it lasts.

today's the first time i'm touching the comp in 3 days. it's been a long while. a long while since i did a lot of things. since i talked to some people. seems like an eternity. i'm hanging in there. i'm sure many of you out there are feeling down. dejected. angsty. whatever it is. hang in there.

Mr Lonely
Akon

I woke up in the middle of the night and I noticed my girl wasn't by my side,
Coulda sworn I was dreamin, for her I was
Feenin, so I hadda take a little ride,
Back tracking over these few years,
Tryna figure out what I do to make it go bad,
Cuz ever since my girl left me,
my whole left life came crashing and

Im so lonely (so lonely),
Im mr. Lonely (mr. Lonely)
I have nobody (I have nobody)
To call my own (to call my own) girl

Can't belive I hadda girl like you and I just let you walk right outta my life,
After all I put u through
You still stuck around and stayed by my side,
What really hurt me is I broke your heart,
Baby you were a good girl and I had no right,
I really wanna make things right, cuz without you in my life girl

Im so lonely (so lonely)
Im mr. Lonely (mr. Lonely)
I have nobody (I have nobody to call my own)
To call my own (to call my own) girl

Been all about the world ain't never met a girl that can take the things that you been through
Never thought the day would come where you would get up and run and I would be out chasing you
Cuz ain't nowhere in the globe i'd rather be,
Ain't noone in the globe i'd rather see then the girl of my dreams that made me
Be so happy but now so lonely

So lonely (so lonely)
Im mr. Lonely (mr. Lonely)
I have nobody (I have nobody)
To call my own (to call my own)

Never thought that id be alone,
I didnt hope you'd be gone this long,
I jus want u to come home, so stop playing girl and
Come on home (come on home),
Baby girl I didn't mean to shout,
I want me and you to work it out,
I never wished I'd ever hurt my baby,
And its drivin me crazy cuz...

Im so lonely (so lonely)
Im mr. Lonely (mr. Lonely)
I have nobody (I have nobody)
To call my own (to call my own)

Lonely, so lonely
So lonely, (so lonely),
Mr. Lonely, so lonely
So lonely, so lonely, (so lonely), Mr. Lonely

Now I'm sitting here
Like we used to do
I think about my life
And there's nothing I won't do
Just for one more day
One more day with you


irrepressible longing.


chainsaw concerto and siren symphony.