He sat there non-plussed. Put simply, it had been a bad day.
The monotony of life was getting to his head. This tiresome cycle.
He awoke once again, from a nightmare. Perhaps more a bad dream. But morbidly, it had been pleasant in an inexplicable way.
If God was the Alpha and the Omega, then this
Thing that plagued his thoughts, was the Beta and the Upsilon.
He had never experienced true joy in his life. None of the earthly material successes could be considered such. To him, they were but a point proven, to nobody in particular, not even himself. Or his mother. The satisfcation undoubtedly present. But unbridled joy, not so.
Except.. perhaps just once in his life. Limitless, youthful ecstasy. Bliss beyond bounds. Once and only once in his life. Albiet short-lived.
Five months of anticipation building up and finally reaching 3 weeks of exhiliration. He lived for this
Thing. Consumed by his passion, addicted to the emotion.
But they say the higher you soar, the more painful the fall. His material achievements should have rendered him proud beyond measure. And pride comes before a fall. But he never took any pleasure in palpable accomplishment, never found any reason to be contented or august; he only found the growing pressure a burden, a great weight upon his own shoulders. And the irony, was that he saw no reason for heaping more pressure upon himself, yet continually year after year, in an almost gruesome way drove himself to inhumane extents to maintain levels of excellence.
Now that he sat here immersed in the sea of cynicism, he thought it was perhaps because he had had nothing to work towards. No aim in life. It hadn't been about proving a point. Yes. That was it. That year, when the
Thing had come into his life, everything changed. Yes indeed. There was now something to live life for. Something that absorbed his attention. Something that permeated his thoughts.
It all came tumbling down. And he hit earth hard. But this wasn't some rubbery earth. He wasn't just going to bounce straight back up. This was quicksand. The more he struggled, the deeper he got sucked in. Everything snatched away. And he knew he was right. What were material achievements anyway? It was the intangibles that mattered. And he, one who had his way with certificates and titles had failed miserably in the one thing that his life actually centered around - emotions.
Out of control. Swirling like a whirlwind. Kaleidoscopic colours of pure joy and extreme misery. Memories falling like snowflakes. Tears flowing like a river. The highest and lowest points in his life.
IT.
The closest he had ever been to happiness. And also the nearest he had ever been into descending into hatred.
All said and done, he was back to square one.
No. It was negative one. His mind, now clouded by shards of broken glass from a mantelpiece once filled with happy recollections. Devoid of drive. Afflicted by affection.
Lost and disillusioned. Vulnerable and afraid.
