The Distance
Evan and Jaron

The sky has lost it's color
The sun has turned to grey
At least that's how it feels to me
Whenever you're away

I crawl up in the corner
As I watch the minutes pass
Each one brings me closer to
The time when you'll be back
You're coming back

I can't take the distance
I can't take the miles
I can't take the time
Until the next time I see you smile
I can't take the distance
And I'm not ashamed
That I can't take a breath without saying your name
I can brave a hurricane
And still be standing tall when all the dust has settled down
But I can't take the distance

I still believe in feelings
But sometimes I feel too much
I make believe you're close to me
But it ain't close enough
Not nearly close enough



i can't take the distance. out of breath. burnt out. lactic acid build up. just plain lethargy. constant hits along the way. trip & fall. obstacles. hurdles. rounding the bend. down the straight. collapse. in a heap. failure.

The Great Leap of Faith

Since Easter is coming up, I decided i'd take a look at religion and my personal faith once again. Having read Waiting for Godot, and also taken a particular interest in existentialist philosophy as well as the theartre of the absurd, i thought i might look at it from the point of view of the famous Danish philosopher Soren Kierkegaard.

as i search for meaning in life, it becomes apparent to me that a meaningful existence is of utmost importance. and meaning comes from whether people sense that thier lives have a permanent significance. the problem here though, is that many people believe that their lives only have temporary importance.

Kierkegaard identified three stages of personal development: the Aesthetic [artistic], the Ethical [dutiful], and lastly, the Religious stage.

Pleasure and enjoyment. Material needs. these come under the Aesthetic stage. But to me, these concerns are but temporary. according to kierkegaard, devoting your life to art and aesthetics will eventually leave you feeling despair. Despair coz of our own impermanence and insignificance. almost seems like a 'kiasi' to me.

However, when you begin to take up ethical responsibility, you begin to introduce a sense of permanence to your life. this could mean, just being a loving and caring brother or a faithful husband. this sense of permanence though is only partial and creates conflict in oneself and eventually leads to despair once again.

This is somewhat like Hegel's dialectic, the difference being that Hegel believed in a historical process, whereas my point here, is that it's much more personal than that. All the conflict and despair can compel you to take a leap of faith into the third stage of personal development, into a religious existence. This religious commitment may not have many rational reasons but this is exactly why it requires a leap of faith.

I've repeated to some of my friends some Kantian thought. Simple but something i believe in. The existence of God can never be empirically, scientifically proved. That just leaves room for FAITH.

Have Faith in God my friends. and Happy Easter to all of you. Remember the empty tomb coz Jesus Lives Again!

Strange and Beautiful
Aqualung
Wicker Park Soundtrack

I've been watching your world from afar,
I've been trying to be where you are,
And I've been secretly falling apart,
I'll see.
To me, you're strange and you're beautiful,
You'd be so perfect with me but you just can't see,
You turn every head but you don't see me.

I'll put a spell on you,
You'll fall asleep and I'll put a spell on you.
And when I wake you,
I'll be the first thing you see,
And you'll realise that you love me.

Sometimes, the last thing you want comes in first,
Sometimes, the first thing you want never comes,
And I know, the waiting is all you can do,
Sometimes...

I'll put a spell on you,
You'll fall asleep,
I'll put a spell on you,
And when I wake you,
I'll be the first thing you see,
And you'll realise that you love me.

The Beautiful Letdown

It was a beautiful let down
When i crashed and burned
When i found myself alone unknown and hurt

It was a beautiful let down
The day i knew
That all the riches this world had to offer me
Would never do

In a world full of bitter pain and bitter doubt
I was trying so hard to fit in, fit in,
Until i found out
I don't belong here
I don't belong here
I will carry a cross and a song where I don't belong
But i don't belong

It was a beautiful let down
When you found me here
Yeah for once in a blue moon i see everything clear
I'll be a beautiful let down
That's what i'll forever be
And though it may cost my soul
I'll sing for free
We're still chasin our tails and the rising sun
In our dark water planet
Still spins in a race
Where no one wins and no one's one

I don't belong here
I don't belong here
I'm gonna set sight and set sail for the kingdom come
Your kingdom come
Won't you let me down yeah
Let my foolish proud
Forever let me down

Easy living, not much like your name
Easy dying, you look just about the same
Won't you please take me off your list
Easy living please come on and let me down

We are a beautiful let down,
Painfully uncool,
The church of the dropouts
And losers and sinners and failures and the fools
Oh what a beautiful let down
Are we salt in the wound
Let us sing one true tune

I don't belong here
I don't belong here
I don't belong here
Feels like I don't belong here
Let me down
Let me down
Feels like I'm let down
Let me down.
Cuz I don't belong here
Please
Won't you let me down?

what is this? symoblism? lol.. one of the cute lil pink spheres in the two nice lil hearts on my handphone strap have disappeared. an empty heart. haha.. the irony is laughing in my face.

Welcome to the planet
Welcome to existence
Everyone's here
Everybody's watching you now
Everybody waits for you now
What happens next?

I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
Like today never happened
Like today never happened before.

Welcome to the fallout
Welcome to resistance
The tension is here
Between who you are and who you could be
Between how it is and how it should be

Maybe redemption has stories to tell
Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell
Where can you run to escape from yourself?
Where you gonna go?
Salvation is here

Redemption is finally here. first time in 4 months i've actually felt gratified. satisfaction.

i am so glad. i've gotten another heavy burden off my chest. now comes the unpleasant part.

to all those out there who don't have a life, or are just plain fascinated by the pain i endure in my life, will you please keep your stinking noses out of here? don't screw around with my life. please. even my patience has a limit. you don't have to go "find out the truth" for me. you don't have to "promote" me. you absolutely do NOT tell untruths or put words into my mouth. i may be a nice enough person sometimes but i really don't want the mean side of me to show. so don't try it. don't. let me move on with my life. and you get on with yours. don't delude yourself.

as for josie, we've had lots of fun. pity it didn't turn out fine in the end. but friendz 4eva yeah? haha.

Wonderful song by Vertical Horizon. I've been spreading the joy of this brilliant song the past couple of days!

Everything you Want
Vertical Horizon

Somewhere there's speaking
It's already coming in
Oh and it's rising at the back of your mind
You never could get it
Unless you were fed it
Now you're here and you don't know why

But under skinned knees and the skid marks
Past the places where you used to learn
You howl and listen
Listen and wait for the
Echoes of angels who won't return

He's everything you want
He's everything you need
He's everything inside of you
That you wish you could be
He says all the right things
At exactly the right time
But he means nothing to you
And you don't know why

You're waiting for someone
To put you together
You're waiting for someone to push you away
There's always another wound to discover
There's always something more you wish he'd say

But you'll just sit tight
And watch it unwind
It's only what you're asking for
And you'll be just fine
With all of your time
It's only what you're waiting for

Out of the island
Into the highway
Past the places where you might have turned
You never did notice
But you still hide away
The anger of angels who won't return

I am everything you want
I am everything you need
I am everything inside of you
That you wish you could be
I say all the right things
At exactly the right time
But I mean nothing to you and I don't know why
And I don't know why
Why
I don't know

gah.. i just lost my last post >.< anyway, it was some rubbish bout fruit juice haha.. as trixie says, i can crap these up in half a minute so yeah.. lol

just glad its Good Friday this friday. God's Grace is truly amazing. He works in wondorous ways. truly. more than just being a holiday, this friday and long weekend will be a time of thanksgiving. and i sure have lots to be thankful about. Just wondering whether i should go for service. I know CHC has service at indoor stadium this weekend. i heard FCBC is holding one at indoor stadium too on april 3rd or something. ah well..

"Jesus you are my best friend!... and nothing will ever change that."

la di da.. in a particularly good mood now for reasons i shall refrain from disclosing. however, i'd also like to take the chance to warn all my friends out there. i am now on the drug RoAccutane which costs an insane $5.50 for EACH capsule. this drug has many side effects which include DEPRESSION, MOOD SWINGS, etc. you have been warned.

i find myself getting more and more disillusioned. with work. with life. with just about anything that's going on. stagnation. i can smell it. the lack of progress irks me. but i can't get myself out of this rut. stuck in this abyss.